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Thursday, Nov. 27, 2003 - 10:28 a.m.

Happy Turkey Day!�

Still have a bunch of prepping to do, so I will cop out and leave you two Thanksgiving day bits of humor instead��

What the Muppets did for Thanksgiving:

A whole lot of breast meat on that bird! Probably too sweet to eat, though�

The other item is today�s Top Five Thanksgiving Survival Tips list. Since I link his page , I think he won�t mind me passing it along to y�all:

TopFive's Thanksgiving Dinner Advice

50> Thanksgiving entertainment is fine, but try to avoid hiring

giblet jugglers.

49> The oldest male child should sit at the head of the table

and steadfastly refuse to move, proclaiming loudly, "Yer

already dead, old man!" (Hey, we didn't say it was all

*good* advice.)

48> After eight years in a row, you should know better than to

pull that finger.

47> Carving a "turkey" from a block of potted meat may be a clever

trick, but it will leave you with a table of hungry, angry

guests.

46> To prevent post-meal indigestion, spike the dressing with Tums.

45> Basting isn't necessary -- you can go ahead and murder your

family dry if you like. And remember: When the police arrive,

cranberry sauce is effective at hiding telltale blood stains.

44> In an emergency, gravy can be administered by IV.

43> Resist the urge to recreate the Devil's Tower using your

mashed potatoes; chilled leftovers are better construction

material and draw less attention.

42> If the about-to-be-carved turkey is smiling at you, you know

Grandpa's already hammered and pranking with his teeth

again.

41> Fold the napkins inside out and you can use them a second time.

40> Concerned about room at the table? With a good juicer, you

can reduce the entire meal to a delicious, space-saving shake.

39> The more you drink, the more tolerable Uncle Saul's stench

becomes.

38> Remember, demonstrating how you "stuffed" the turkey with your

"special sauce" will probably get you arrested.

37> You should not give away a turkey drumstick as a "marital aid

door prize."

36> The "Butterball Hotline" is *not* a direct phone line to

the desk of Al Roker.

35> No matter how much wine is served at Thanksgiving dinner,

a gourd should never be used as a marital aid.

34> When your mother makes her signature marshmallow/butterscotch/

marmalade/chocolate/caramel/powdered sugar/sprinkle-covered

yams, take a helping even if you're on the Atkins Diet unless

you really want to hear about the 40 hours she spent in labor

bringing your sorry ass into this world so you could insult

her cooking.

33> We're Americans! If all else fails, deep-fry that sucker --

regardless of what it is.

32> Whenever someone asks where you got the turkey, tell them you

married him. *That* joke never gets old.

31> Sure, an apple looks appetizing in a roast pig's mouth, but

please consider that turkeys lack an appropriate orifice.

30> Remember: A large family dinner is God's way of saying

"I hate you."

29> Six or seven good-sized squirrels can be sewn together into a

reasonable semblance of a turkey. Just don't be too forceful

with the stuffing.

28> Uncle Marty unhitching his belt buckle after dessert is a sign

he enjoyed his meal, not cause for a frantic call to 911.

27> It's considered impolite to refer to stuffing the turkey as

"buggering the bird."

26> Despite Uncle Louie's insistence, unlimited helpings of

"turkey" refers to the poultry, not Wild Turkey 101.

25> Best not sit your adult Native American guests at the

children's table.

24> A systematic reassembly of the giblets on a serving tray both

educates the kids and aesthetically pleases the adults.

23> Shredded stock trading documents make lovely basket stuffers!

(Martha Stewart only)

22> Fresh apple cider is a fall treat for the kids, and you can

surprise them with a post-Halloween trick by substituting

the contents of Grandpa's catheter bag.

21> Never pull the hostess' legs apart and yell, "C'mon, Cousin

Roy, make a wish!"

20> Here's a time-saving recipe for rice pilaf: Start with some

Minute Rice, then look behind the fridge and add whatever you

can peel off the floor.

19> A wishbone can be used as emergency IUD.

18> No matter how funny a voice you make, using the turkey as a

hand-puppet probably won't impress your girlfriend's parents.

17> Avoid certain disaster by placing Adam Sandler at the kid's

table and his guitar with the adults.

16> Assign Great Aunt Gertrude a helpful task that also keeps her

out of the kitchen... like re-roofing the garage.

15> To aid digestion, avoid watching the annual Detroit Lions game.

14> If Grandpa happens to die during dinner, it's impolite to call

dibs on his spot at the big-people table.

13> Memo to turkey carver: "Do you want fries with that?" is a

little bit funnier every time you say it.

12> For a festive touch, fill finger bowls with raw poultry juices.

11> Keep an extra tureen of gravy handy so you can pour it

over the head of anyone who answers a cell phone during

the meal.

10> When you say, "I simply MUST have this recipe," don't follow up

with, "They're going to ask me about it in the emergency room."

9> If your turkey has four paws and fur, it's time to change

butcher shops.

8> Dress comfortably and casually. You'll be eating yourself

silly, and since only relatives will be there, you won't

be getting laid anyway.

(Note: This tip not applicable in Greater Appalachia.)

7> Although guests love being pampered, it's not generally

considered appropriate to unbutton their pants for them

after the meal.

6> Fun tip: Glue pine cones to your beer-can hats and fill them

with gravy!

5> Don't trust any recipe for mashed potatoes that includes

the step, "Now invite Gallagher over."

4> Great Thanksgiving trick: Hide a tape recorder inside the

turkey. When stuffing the bird, hit the "play" button.

Your pre-recorded orgasm sounds will delight both family

and friends!

3> Be sure the dinnertime seating arrangements leave your

unnaturally skinny niece a clear path to the bathroom.

2> Keep the leftover gravy to make frozen gibletsicles for

the kids!

1> Accept the Dahmers' invitation if you must, but you'd be wise

to take a pass on the "Gran'berry sauce.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]


Hope you and yours have a Happy Thanksgiving. Just try to ignore that stupid in-law who always has to tell you his opinions on politics. This argument isn�t worth the indigestion it causes you, is it?

Antique - Futuristic


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